NOISE
by
Janet Flora
The Portland Review, 2003
"You swallow too loud," Bob said to Ellen as they sat at the kitchen table during a late night snack. Ellen held the tea in her mouth moving the warm liquid from side to side. For a moment, she considered spitting it out in the cup. But instead she swallowed.
"You see. Did you hear how loud that sounded?" Bob said.
At first, she thought he was kidding. But his brows were pinched together and he showed no sign of smiling. With his head lowered, the lights from the track above made his bald spot look shinier than usual. He ran his hand over his chin back and forth, as if trying to scrape something off his skin.
"When did you start noticing that I swallowed loud?"
"I always noticed it, but I never wanted to point it out to you. I didn't want to make you self-conscious," he said as he cleared his throat.
She thought of telling him that he did this all the time. That he had been clearing his throat for as long as she knew him. He did it when he sat up in bed reading as she tried to sleep. He did it sometimes instead of saying um or pausing when talking to a client on the phone. He always did it.
But instead Ellen said, "So why now? Why make me self-conscious now?
"Because I think it's gotten louder."
Ellen held the teacup in both hands tilting it back and forth. Amber-colored waves formed inside the cup; she studied them like a gypsy trying to read the future.
"Gee, I wonder if I've been disturbing others in restaurants? Probably not." Ellen said, answering her own question. "Most restaurants in the city are too loud. Whew, that's a relief," she said, laughing a little as she talked into the teacup.
"Ellen, it's not funny," Bob said.
"No, it's not funny." Ellen lifted the cup to her lips noticing the thickness of the porcelain. The tea had cooled so she no longer needed to sip it. Taking a big mouthful, she swallowed quickly as if taking a bitter-tasting medicine.
There was a noise, like water hesitating a moment before going down the drain.
"You see," he said.
"Okay, Bob, I guess you're right it's loud. I've probably always been a loud swallower. Who knows? Maybe after fifty-two years of swallowing, my throat is getting creaky like my knees that make sounds when I bend."
Ellen got up from the kitchen table. Taking some glass cleaner and a paper towel, she began to wipe a smudge on the counter. She rubbed and rubbed before realizing that what she tried to remove was just a natural discoloration within the grain of the granite. She wondered why she never noticed this before. Looking up at the chrome splashboard above the counter, she saw her reflection; it appeared cloudy, as if in a body of water. But she could still see her curly dark hair and the blue of her eyes.
Bob said, "Oh, I guess you're mad now. You're so sensitive; I can't tell you anything."
"I wish you would tell me something, like why after five years of being together my swallowing is bothering you."
"You always ask me questions like that, as if there is an answer. I hate those rhetorical questions."
"You hate them, not because there's no answer, but because the answer says something about you or about this relationship."
"Maybe I should go to my own place to sleep tonight. I don't want to stay for this psycho-babble."
Ellen went back to rubbing the same spot on the granite. She considered apologizing. But instead said, "Bob, please, let's not blow this out of proportion. This is crazy. I don't even know what we're fighting about."
"Ellen, you always get testy when I suggest a way you can improve yourself."
Ellen stopped rubbing the granite and sprayed some glass cleaner on the chrome splashboard and began to remove it like a window washer, careful to wipe in only one direction. Satisfied that the chrome was less clouded, she leaned in, looked closer, and made some final adjustments with the paper towel that was now crumbled and torn. Then she sat back down at the kitchen table.
Without thinking she lifted the teacup and took a mouthful of tea. She looked up at Bob. Again she held the liquid in her mouth. After a few seconds she swallowed. They both heard the sound that now seemed louder in the silence.